Friday, December 5, 2008

Coldplay, You're As Cold As Ice

If any of you have read some of my previous "bloggings," you would know that I have a particular, special hatred for Coldplay. My hatred stems from rich and varied reasons, which I won't go into at length. I just wanted to bring up some news I recently stumbled upon about Coldplay.

Apparently, they're being sued by the guitar virtuoso and general tool-bag John Satriani. Satriani has been a prominent and successful musician for quite some time now, and he is easily one of the most recognizable guitar players for anybody who is into musicians that know how to play their instruments (5% of the United States).

Below I offer the link to the story, and I have a youtube clip that pairs the two songs together. I can't even remember the name of the Coldplay song because every single word that comes out of that lead singer's mouth makes me feel like I just witnessed an execution of a young child.

The news snippet:
Read All About It! Coldplay Eats Their Own Shit

The video comparison between Coldplay's shit song and Satriani "if i could fly" or some bullshit.

I also want to remind everybody once again that these stupid bastards created a hit solely based off of their use of one of the greatest minimalistic riffs ever created on a synthesizer. Kraftwerk's "Computerliebe" was raped and pillaged by Coldplay for their song "Talk." "Talk" is an abomination against the goodness in the human heart. I can't help but compare it to barbarous tribes raiding and pillaging the outskirts of Ancient Roman civilization. Kraftwerk is an amazing expression of art and culture; Coldplay is an amazing expression of human failings, like the sound of a giant turd hitting toilet water.

Oh, wait, you don't think they suck, you Coldplay-loving fool? Well, for one second, let's assume that your brain is capable of some level of rational analysis, rather than adhering to its natural state as a warm brain-vagina for the music industry's throbbing pop-music dick. If we step back for just a moment and really look at the noises and the words that tickle your fancy and make you jump up and down with joy because you "love this song(!)" maybe then you'll have to start admitting that Coldplay is a shitty band.

Every Coldplay song follows two basic principles:

1. Sweeping, melodic, vaguely-melancholic guitar with plenty of echo to give you the sense of something celestial, sacred and ephemeral. Basically, they want you to feel as if you're experiencing something expansive and greater than yourself to induce the feeling of the sublime. The Edge from U2 really beat this sound into the ground for over two decades, and Coldplay decided to make it their own.

Once they've achieved this guitar sound by playing a really famous riff they stole from real artists on a guitar, they add the vocals.

2. All vocals should be about something important to the emotions of everyday people, but should adhere to a principle of vagueness to allow the audience to arbitrarily assign the meaningless lyrics to something meaningful in their own lives. The lyrics usually center around the title of the song, which is usually just some boring phrase or word if you're lucky enough to have it even be anything sensible in the english language.

Here's a good example from the song "Viva La Vida":

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
(Principle of melancholy with vague idea about something important. What a normal person should gather from this stanza: he used to be a false prophet, now he is a state worker.")

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand
(This is what artists and intelligent people call CLI-CLI-CLICHE-MONGERING!!!! I've definitely never heard about castles being built upon weak foundations -- snore. Oh, out with the old king, in with the new? More like out with the old boring shit and in with the... still the same old boring shit, Coldplay.)

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you know there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world
(Oooo, good inclusion of references to the Holy Land and its occupiers. That definitely adds seemingly meaningful weight to the banter and bullshit of this song.)

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries Wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?
(Cliche after cliche after cliche.)

This song is probably about George Bush or any other lying sack of shit politician/wannabe-prophet, but honestly, who the fuck cares? If you're just speaking in hackneyed phrases about something that has been covered a million times over by much more intelligent people who actually brought greater levels of illumination on the topic, why in the hell are you wasting our time?

To wipe away the tainted part of my blog by Coldplay lyrics, I will smite them with the mighty sound of Kraftwerk:

1 comment:

Christine Vyrnon said...

I think I'm in love

but not quite sure.