Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Brooklyn and why Boston sucks

I've been thinking about moving to Brooklyn. Way better apartment opportunities, jobs and a subway system that runs beyond 12:30 has sparked my interest. Also, I heard the Beastie Boys are looking for a fourth guy, and ain't nobody has seen as anybody as skilled as me. Pass the mic.

Boston is cool, but most of the city exists for rich people with strollers worth more money than I make in a month, e.g. Beacon Hill and Back Bay, and don't forget the tourists. Nearly all of downtown Boston: Fanueil hall area, Boylston street, Newbury street and the rest of it are variations of tourist traps or shitty places that are designed for people who visit the city once every couple months to either feed their fat worthless family or drink themselves to near death so they can tear the city up and get into fights. The restaurants and bars in Boston are culture-less pig troughs with their total worth illuminated by the ridiculous menu item I once stumbled upon -- truffle oil mac and cheese. Hmm, how can we appeal to fat idiots that dare leave the safety of their mac and cheese filled houses. Dare they try something new? No, they want variations of mac and cheese and buffalo-sauced meat, make sure you add some ridiculously expensive item so you can excuse charging 12 bucks for fucking durum wheat, water and some mild shitty cheese. I never go anywhere near downtown Boston on the weekend, and woe to the traveler that dares use the green line when the significantly rotund tourists are piled on. A lot of Boston has the cultural charm of a dilapidated Mid-western city but on a Manhattan budget. If you associate yourself with Irish culture even in the most superficial and insulting of ways, you have a go free pass to pretend your contributing to the culture and appeal of Boston. Though really, the bullshit Irish-ness is just contributing to Boston's faux-irish, chucky-cheese/disney world quality of artificialness.

Duck tours, fuck you.

Cambridge and Somerville are still cool though. Cool enough to maybe save Boston. If you ever come to Boston to visit, just say fuck you to the freedom trail, green line, Newbury street and duck tours and go to Central, Harvard or Porter squares in Cambridge, or Davis square in Somerville. That's where real people hang out.

4 comments:

yatpay said...

That's my hammer.


I used to hang out at MIT a lot, but that was about it for Boston.

Mike said...

I agree. Boston sucks.

yatpay said...

I agree that Mike is a buttface. Go eat some deep dish.

Brandon The Unqualified Critic said...

MIT is in Cambridge which is really its own distinct city, geographically and culturally, is cool. And when did you get so funny, jp?

Yeah, Mike, we'll take your opinions seriously about American cities when you come back from Japan and fix Chicago's insultingly gross pizza.