Where Have All The Bill Clintons Gone?

Like most Americans I’ve been engaged with the news more than usual. With the presidential election looming, the Dow sinking and a Wall Street bailing, I’ve taken to the bottle for binging to turn misfortune and misery channeled through the TV into a gay and dandy drinking game. In fact, I’ve turned my entire life into one long drinking game -- the magic words to drink by: anything that upsets me!!! My therapist says that this isn’t a game, but rather, an inability to cope -- and I just throw up my hand and tell her to talk to it, because if you want to be my lover, you got to get with my friends. My heart pines for simpler times under President Clinton when a rebuttal was captured in a hand gesture and girls were still spicy.

Remember when the internet was a vehicle of endless economic prosperity with the “dot-com” boom? Then somebody pointed out that Al Gore did not invent the internet (much to his dismay and our loss), dot-com businesses tanked, and the internet turned into a thing you could be addicted to. Where the fuck is my swanky dot-com job? Instead of working in a cool, new and vaguely Swedish office, testing out the latest schematics for ergonomic underwater computer chairs with seat warmers, I’m paying too much to a giant corporation that holds a monopoly on internet services in my area of Boston; thus I can fill the internet with more self-serving, righteous bullshit that a mass of mediocre e-tards will legitimize for no other reason than they clicked on my blog link more than another moron’s blog link.

Oh well, where we no longer have the hope for a growing job market, we have the terror of not being able to take out loans to pay for college -- one worry of many in this new dark age. When am I going to be able to go to graduate school and where are undergraduates going to drink, play sports and wear pajamas to class -- oh, I mean get their Bachelor’s degrees in business/management!?

I’m reassured though that all will turn out well when I see the potential for strong leadership in our executive branch. Policies set by the next president and his cabinet could bolster the economy and change our current course of economic implosion. In our great American tradition of rat-maze freedom (i.e. representational democracy), we have the varied and tempered selection of two candidates -- that’s right folks, not one like in a monarchy or a dictatorship but a whole two candidates! We have Obama-Biden and McCain-Palin tickets to throw our much needed consideration upon.

The McCain-Palin ticket is kind of like a vote for a really long, horrible holiday with your family. Your senile, incompetent and ornery grandpa somehow in his superior inability to be reasoned with has gained control of the van’s wheel, and using his curiously short arms that he cannot lift beyond a 45 degree angle drives the van backwards into oncoming traffic. Palin -- well, a mom analogy would work here, and she would love that too. She could relate to the American people with how much she has in common with them as a hockey mom even though, going by the general failure of the NHL to gain a greater audience, hockey is an unpopular sport and not a good medium to gain comradery . Palin is really not very “momish” if you ask me, and I’m comfortable using the “word” “momish.” Palin is something of a porn star who specializes in librarian fetishes, but with the loveable fuck-up appeal that attracted the American people to George Bush like moths to a flame. Everybody loves joe-six-pack rhetoric and should definitely elect their leadership on how likely they would drink with or fuck them. In summary just think of some incompetent sack of shit hanging out in a Walmart parking lot feeding his or her genetically-struggled children with noises for names a varied-form of genetically-modified high-fructose corn syrup -- that’s the aura of Palin.

But in general the Walmart parking lot will cover the entire demographic that makes up the Republican party -- both the politicians and the voters -- and it covers pretty much everything I hate about America. That’s right patriots, I hate things about America, and it turns out the only decent thing about this country is that it’s founded on a strong principle of hate and not “Judeo-Christian” values -- make sure you don’t forget the prefix Judeo or you might offend Senator Lieberman and our most important Middle Eastern ally Israel. Some people know hate as rationality because rationality commands cognitive dissonance; having a system that guarantees citizens’ rights and establishes a government that functions to the benefit as many as possible reveals itself to be true in the goodness it provides, and that which is not such a system is a bad system, an untrue system, that warrants pure hatred. The Founding Fathers, or as I like to call them “The Old Dirty Bastards,” laid some serious hate on some monarchy ass. The Declaration of Independence was like one really long trash talking session that ended with a board-shattering slam dunk over King George’s head in the form of signatures. And in summary, I hate much of America and Americans because they are, they value and they maintain a strong opposition to truth, which I have to oppose as a total badass American.